I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Oh god it's open bar.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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