Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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