After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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