One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
