Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
