I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
