found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
