Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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