i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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