PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
