so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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