I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
