i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
