capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
