Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
