your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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