I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
