Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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