I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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