Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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