she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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