I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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