Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She bit a glass in half.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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