we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
