I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
