the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize