well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
