9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
