My first STD was from a foam party
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
