My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
my liver is dry heaving
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
