i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
