Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
