When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
