Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
