I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize