Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
