a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
