just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
