Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
