Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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