Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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