I'm pants shitting drunk right now
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
