I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize