I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
