Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
