You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I intend to get homeless drunk
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
