You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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