he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
