I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
