never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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