He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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