dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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