At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize