On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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