She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
