hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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