I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
