my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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