I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
