Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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