Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
